This is may be a controversial topic, especially now in the times of the #MeToo movement and “smashing the patriarchy” but a book I’m currently re-reading with the intention of offering a full in-depth video review for the site soon is Rollo Tomassi’s The Rational Male.
I included it in my top 5 relationships books post which you can check out here.
The reason I really love this book is the author, Rollo Tomassi red pills men all over the world with matrix shattering concepts and an analysis of the unspoken rules of fem-centric post 1960 modern society that goes levels deeper than what most people are accustomed to or comfortable with considering.
The book runs some 300 pages long and Tomassi covers an abundance of topics relevant to the manosphere which I’ll go into more detail on in the video. However, what I want to talk about here is what I think is one of the most important red pill concepts Rollo discusses in The Rational Male – the idea of Buffers.
These are the rationalisations or stories men tell themselves in order to avoid or minimise rejection for so long that they become part of their psyche and identity, which ultimately close the walls in on them and restrict them from realising their true potential by limiting the range of experiences they’re exposed to.
“The great danger for most of us lies not in us setting our aim too high and falling short, but in setting our aim too low and achieving our mark” Michelangelo
Tomassi summarises this as “Buffers are generally the paths of least rejection that become ego-invested “preferences”, however buffers aren’t so much about the “preference” but the motivation behind them” – Rollo Tomassi, The Rational Male.
The hardest part for most men to understand is that by leaning on these buffers, they inadvertently become the root cause of almost all of the “problems” they have with the opposite sex. How someone does something is generally how they do anything, which is why I think this is so relevant to highlight not just from a relationships/dating perspective. The idea of buffers and coping mechanisms brings to the surface the discovery of deeper motivations for why we rationalise things in our lives a certain way. Are you approaching adversity with optimism and excitement, or are you trying to stay comfortable, shying away from reality and anything that requires you to expand or extend yourself and your capabilities.
Buffers also have the tendency to compound upon themselves and something which started out as a small and insignificant way to avoid a rejection turns into an ingrained component of your genuine personality eventually resulting in it being “just how I am”.
Tomassi outlines the following 10 buffers to consider and cautions readers to look carefully at all of them and critically self assess how many of these have become larger long term problems for you causing more pain and trouble than a briefly painful rejection might have been:
Long Distance Relationships: Men who cling to a long distance relationship are usually doing so from a fear of accepting that the relationship is over and their desire to avoid returning to heated competition in the dating pool. The problem here is that by putting off the pain of the breakup and potential rejections returning to the dating scene, that man finds himself in a no win situation hanging in limbo with rare or non-existent intimacy.
Playing Friends: Whilst there are occasions where men and women become platonic friends we’re looking at this from a dating perspective and how this strategy is not going to help men ultimately “get the girl”. Men who accept these terms set by a woman in a “let’s just be friends” type of rejection end up clinging to the friendship and don’t chase other options, thinking that one day they’ll prove their worth and the girl will finally choose them. The problem here is these men are conveniently lying to themselves as a way of avoiding further rejection in the dating pool.
Emails, Texts/IM’s: Men who preference these communications tools instead of meeting women face to face rationalise that by staying in communication with her he can either minimise the impact of a rejection (because it hurts less reading it compared to getting it face to face) or rationalise that it’s for her benefit to stay in constant communication through these digital channels. The problem here is that when men choose these limited inter-personal methods of communication as their preferred method of interacting with women, it’s a buffer.
Online Dating: for similar reasons to above, online dating is the ultimate buffer. Get rejected without ever having to know about it or deal with it. The problem here is without the steady stream of feedback through rejections, that man misses crucial development opportunities to improve himself and his social skills with women ultimately limiting his options exclusively to women who have already pre-selected him.
Objectification of Gender: Tomassi makes the point here that both genders objectify each other. For men it tends to be seeing women as “sex objects”, where as for women they see men as “success objects”. By objectifying women, it’s easier for men to rationalise getting rejected because they were never rejected by a person, they were rejected by an object. Thats a much easier deflection to accept.
Idealisation of Gender: Fixation on the “perfect woman” means that rejection by any others means nothing because they weren’t in the consideration set to start with. The problem here is the perfect woman doesn’t exist and this thinking inherently limits your options.
Scarcity Mentality: the guy who will take what he can get and who’s glad he got it, this buffer works in the opposite way to idealisation of gender. By focusing on the sure thing as the only option, this minimises the chances of getting rejected by anyone else again resulting in a significant lack of options because no one will ever be good enough.
Older women/Younger Women/Women with certain body types: Tomassi describes this buffer as men with an internalised preference for one specific type of woman based in the fact she’s less likely to reject a man’s advances due to personal circumstances. For example, older women being an easier target for younger men. The problem here is if this pattern of behaviour continues long enough, that man significantly limits his options and ultimately ends up with restricted choices from his limited pool of preferences.
Leagues: The rationalisation that “she’s out of my league” so men either won’t even try, the buffer of leagues helps prevent needing to take the rejection personally as she was never an option in the first place. The problem here, similar to the idealisation buffer is that this thinking inherently limits your options to find the best possible partner.
Pornography: perhaps the most insidious of buffers, the use of pornography as a buffer against rejection with it’s immediate and infinite options for sexual variety allows men to jump straight to the “prize” without having to learn any of the necessary skills to earn sexual experience as a reward. At least with all the other options you’re dealing with some women to a degree, pornography takes that away completely which does nothing to help that man grow and develop.
To wrap this up, consider this list and critically evaluate the rationale you give yourself for the women you find yourself pursuing. As a man, you’re going to face rejection in many more areas of your life than just women and how you handle one aspect of your life is how you handle another.
The buffers indicated and your tendencies to lean into them or away from them become indicators of how confidently you deal with challenge and adversity, indicators that reveal your true character to the women around you.
As Rollo Tomassi puts it – Rejection is better than regret.
Are you strong enough as a man to take rejection on the chin with a smile and come back for more? Or do you run away and shy away from rejection hiding behind your coping strategies and buffers?
Check out the book for yourself and level up your mindset today. The book is available on Amazon below, let me know in the comments if you’ve read it and what you think of Rollo Tomassi’s idea of Buffers.